Taking care of an aging parent changes everything -- from the new financial stress to the scheduling of endless doctor visits. And everything includes one arena that often surprises caregivers: your sex life.
(Spousal caregivers, obviously, face even tougher challenges. See How Your Sex Life May Change When a Partner Has Dementia).
"Each situation tends to be specific, but caretakers often face some common challenges to maintaining a healthy sex life," says geriatric psychiatrist Ken Robbins, a Caring.com senior medical editor who's also board-certified in internal medicine.
Here's what caregivers need to know about some common sex-life interferences.
Problem #1: Lack of sleep
"When caregiving interferes with sleep, couples have more difficulty getting along," Robbins says. "It's the number-one way that the stress of caregiving spills into sexual relationships."
What happens is more complicated than the fact that less time sleeping in bed equals less time for other activities there. Burning the candle at both ends to fit in all the extra chores of caregiving affects mood and patience. The more emotional and physical strain one endures without replenishment, the easier it is to snap. And snapping at your mate is, in turn, a surefire libido-killer.
A 2008 study found that dementia caregivers, in particular, got significantly less sleep than others. Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia often involve sundown syndrome, a behavioral state in which the person grows more agitated at night and, in some cases, doesn't settle down for hours. Many people with Alzheimer's confuse day and night, disrupting the sleep-wake cycle for the caregiver, too.
Problem solvers: Protecting sleep should be every family caregiver's main self-care objective. "It's in the interest of the entire household," Robbins says.
If you routinely get fewer than 6.5 hours of sleep a night, take a hard look at your schedule for places where you can cut back, delegate to other family members, or let go.
Try daytime naps, even if you've never been a napper. Enroll your relative in a senior center or adult day program several mornings a week so you can have downtime, or -- if you can afford it -- hire someone to come into your home a few hours a day, such as a professional elder companion (ask a local home health agency or personal in-home care agency for a reference).
If the person you care for has dementia, take extra steps to follow a predictable daily routine that includes movement and fresh air early in the day and time to wind down by evening.
Ask the person's doctor about medications (including some antidepressants) to manage highly disturbed sleep.
Consider whether it's time for an out-of-home living situation for an elder who's unable to sleep well at night.
i cared for my husband for 10 yrs and sex was out of the question, he was 100% VA handicapp, he had Agent Orange. Since his passing, I don't know how to go out into the world and start dating, I was so consumed with caring for him that it took all my energy, I had no life; it is so scary to think about dating at my age, I am still grieving. I am 61 yrs
Excellent these were all key elements that I encountered with one more citicle piece -Diet I started eating foods that Dad would like, not me so much, then when we was nauseauted I would eat cold food, peanut butter and jelly...then I would not eat anything major because there was so much to do and I would not leave him or go far, and then there was the dying process which was about 6 weeks and I was too tired to care!
good piece. Thank you
all are facts which cannot be factored l really appreciate the work you are doing
I feel like I am single,I'm 61 taking care of my spouse that was diagnosed 6 years ago with early onset Alzheimers. She has not had sex with me for 5 years and she is now in a nursing home. I miss the companionship and effection we used to share. I love her dearly, but I do miss the touching, feeling etc we used to share. It is really tough to be a caregiver when it is your spouse and she does not even remember when you come to visit her. God bless all us caregivers.
Hugs Missy, amydala
I've been caring for my husband who is 25 years my senior. He had cancer but seems to be in remission now. He is feeling better after surgery (one month ago) and he wants sex. I have turned off that switch in my mind. He has asked me if I am having sex with someone else - which I am not. I don't want to hurt him, but I don't know how to explain my fear of hurting him - I cannot even hug him without him being jumpy and making sure I don't touch him in the wrong spot. I don't know how to get my sexuality back.
I wish I could agree with you that a sex life takes back seat to caregiving family. Practically, it does kill passion and spontaneity - everything has to be planned. Buzz kill. But sex is a vital part of life, and makes you a whole person. You can substitute or compromise for just so long - I'm sure even vows of celibacy were broken in thought if not action. Thank goodness I have pets I can cuddle and love as a substitute for human love and affection. I've had more than one physician chastise me for my lack of sex, and worse my not even caring about sex. It's the latter that speaks volumes about individuals denying and repressing a human need for some "greater cause". At this point, I am so empty I really have no explicit feelings for my father, who I care for at this point. He is a chore, a responsibility, a stressor and reason I've lost my job ..."love" has been replaced by a million other feelings, and when he's gone, those will be replaced by relief.
This is a sad and trajic topic. I would rather take care of my family members, than have a sex life. Sex is fleeting, while family is not. I gave up my sex life many years ago. Being a caregiver is no simple task. The Doctors here started a topic, which there is no simple answer for.
My sister and I take primary responsibility for our Mother and Father as our brother is only available when it is convenient for him... Our Mother is in a nursing home with dementia and is in another world. She is very well taken care of and is happy, wherever she is...however, it is very difficult to see her and we make fairly frequent visits to check in on her. Even though she is in a nursing home we still must keep up with her care and make our presence known. Each visit is very stressful to say the least and it really does "wear on you"... On the other hand, our Father resides in "independent living" in a one bedroom apartment in the same complex. However, we really aren't sure how much longer he will be "independent" as we pretty much do everything for him. He does not drive so it is up to us to transfer him to/from the many doctor appointments which include the VA. Not to mention his grocery shopping and many other errands. He is becoming very forgetful and calls us randomly about things that happened weeks ago. We have discussed having him live with us but we are very, very hesitant because we really don't feel this is the answer. The next step is to go into assisted care and he isn't one to accept that and will be a bear to say the least. We don't see any light at the end of the tunnel for quite some time. So, to agree with the previous message...since we haven't had sex lives we have become Saints as we don't have any time for anyone else not to mention ourselves! I hope that I do not cause this kind of stress on my own children, just pull the plug...
Ha! I'm single, a very young 58 taken for mid 40s, caring for my father who has dementia. Hopefully this will end when I find a job and he can go to a living facility. Not that I had a barn-burning life before he got here- haven't for last 4 years because of issues with him - but I won't even put myself out there until he's gone. His room is 5 feet across from me, and we both keep the doors open a) so I can hear him if he wanders or goes to the bathroom and b) so my cats can wander around and sleep with whomever. My sex life is so bad my ob-gyne has informed me that I have technically recovered virginity...and this care giver nonsense does not give me any glimmer of hope!Spoiling my sex life? I wish I had one!