Look for a volunteer chief
Everyone knows people who seem born to run things -- you know, the school principal, ship captain, or supermom type. If a relative or a friend fits this bill and has offered to help, don't be afraid to ask her to be a volunteer coordinator, organizing inquiries and offers to help. But everyone will need to work closely with the "chief," keeping her posted on the person's needs and schedule. You'll also need to make sure the chief has the information she needs.
A volunteer chief can double as an update captain, keeping people informed about the person's condition. Or if that's too much work for her, you could offer the updating job to another willing soul. Ideally, you want a calm, measured personality to provide updates, not a worrier or a drama king or queen.
Hire a geriatric care manager
Many families are simply too busy, too spread across the globe, or too stressed out themselves to manage a loved one's care -- even with offers to help. One possibility is hiring a geriatric or senior care manager, whose specialty is researching and lining up all the services needed for the person in your care. Not everyone can afford a care manager, but if you can, it's perfectly acceptable to ask her for help managing friends and family. If the care manager takes other pressing tasks off your plate, it may free you to do more of this yourself.
My name is Colleen and I live in Wisconsin. I have been caring for my mother who has advanced alzheimers for about 9 years now. I have so many wonderful memories growing up. We lost my dad nov 24 2010 to leukemia...the day before thanksgiving and now my mother will be leaving us close to Christmas this year. It is so hard to watch your loved one going thru the dying process! You want to keep them with you but you also what them to be at peace!! I was sitting by my moms bedside this morning at 2:30 am after I had just given her more meds to keep her comfortable. And all I could think of was how proud I am to be her daughter!! Mom I love you more than you'll ever know!!! <3
Prayers marlenal
I have been caring for my mother for 6 1/2 years. My husband passed away 7 1/2 years ago. I put my house on the market one year after his death and sold it the next day. Happened so fast that I didn't have too much time to really figure out my options. That same day Mom had a minor stroke and options were to put her in a nursing home or move in with her and take care of her. It was OK for a couple of years. Now she is blind, deaf, moderate dementia and 97 years old. I do get aide help three times a week, but they change constantly and both she and I like consistency. I have two sons locally and two daughters very far away. I don't like to bug them because they also have their lives and families and jobs to take care of. My brother in another state is - useless - totally. He informed me a couple of years ago he didn't think he would be able to make her funeral. His wife who hasn't seen Mom in about 15 years wrote her a letter reminding her to be careful as I might steal all her money. I have great friends and my sons are very supportive and I have an especially great sister-in-law who went through the same thing with our mutual mother-in-law. I call her several times a day as she is half way across the country and she somehow always is able to make me laugh. God bless her. It is nice to be able to sit down and write out some of my frustrations and have the re-enforcement that I am not alone. I would love to attend a caregivers forum, but again, it gets expensive to have an aide with her. My sons are great when they are available, but that's not always possible.
My husband and I are his mother's caregivers. He has 5 siblings and none of them feel they can take their mother for one reason or another. Some have a different idea to share with us about her care, but do not really get involved. One would like her to stay in the back of his house and pay too much rent, and also help him with his expenses, while not taking care of her. It is so sad to me to see how indifferent some of them seem toward their mother. She is in moderate stage of alz., and has dementia. She is so confused mostof the time,and asks the same question or makes a statement over and over. I am the one who has the care of her most of the time, and it can be rather exhausting, but, I do not trust the others to take good care of her. When she came to us her hair was dirty, and this was on Christmas Eve. Thanks, and God bless
Involving the person is key, as they often lose so much independence that it helps to allow them to make any decisions they can.
I've been the sole caregiver of both my parents for 6 1\2 years now. Suffered through one breakdown from caregiver burnout a few yrs ago, and I've been dealing with a diagnosis of breast cancer. Went through my radiation treatments without any help. I have to admit, a part of me is a bit bitter right now. But life does go on, even after finding another lump. It never gets easier as I'm learning through all of this. Don't ask me to start doing meetings, or trying to organize something to bring in other members of the family. I've asked for help, received what they offered, and now I'm too tired and exhaused to start begging for it again. One single person can only do so much. Not sure where my life is heading right now.
I am my husband's SOLE caregiver and am on duty 24/7. Everybody knows of our situation and when i ask for help i don't get it. nobody wants to deal with his alzheimers and constant repetition, so they stay away. that is including his son and his family who live only 25 miles away. If i did all that you say, i would be having a meeting with myself. and we can't afford to pay for care. i am struggling to save our house. there is no extra money for anything.
My Mom has lived with my husband and I for 5 years now. She is deaf and blind and came to live with us when my Dad died. I have been seeing a therapist which helps with my stress alot but it's very expensive. My husband's job is a 3-hour drive away so he is only home on weekends. However, he is now saying that he wants me to put Mom in a home due to the caretaker expense. (I have a caretaker during the day while I'm at work). Almost all my salary goes to the caretaker. I don't see how putting her in a home will cost any less or reduce my stress because I will be worried that she isn't happy or being well taken care of. I'm afraid to "upset the apple cart". She likes her caretakers and is comfortable the way things are now. He is resentful of my being too tired and stressed out when he comes home on weekends and not having the freedom to go anywhere together. (We've been seeing the grandkids separately because someone needs to stay home with Mom.) I feel like he's making me choose between him and my Mom. How do you resolve a situation like this?
Prayers corkysmommy
Oh Pam, I agree. My husband and I have an in-law apt. where both of his parents live. Yes, occasionally when folks visit they see the "best" of them. Nobody really gets the day to day stuff. Keeping their medication alone, straight is a part time job. We have 2 family members that pitch in but even they don't understand that it's like having an adult day care. We both work full time, come home from work, have to check on them, check meds, food, dinners etc. I feel so overwhelmed.
I have lived with my aging parents for the last nine years. Dad uses a walker and Mom has leg and foot problems and can't walk for long periods. I have two siblings within an hour away and another seven hours away. I don't get any support from any of them and my folks refuse outside help. They know I can do it all. What they don't realize is that it has affected me both mentally and physically and the stress is sometimes unbearable. However, they don't believe I'm stressed. How can parents be in such denial? How can they be so selfish? Are there any ideas that may be useful in getting me some relief?
Also, in the past 5 years each of my siblings have visited Mom only 1 time. We always had to go to them if Mom wanted to see them. Bottom line is - trying to involve the family is only a dream in my eyes.
I have been my Mom's caregiver for the past 5 years and had attempted numerous times to involve my 6 siblings, 2 of which live over 800 miles away and the other 4 are within 2 hr drive. And non of them seem to care or show interest. I had to put Mom in a Care Ctr 4 months ago due to mid stages of alzheimers adding to her multiple illnesses - diabetes, CHF, Hrt attack recently, CML-Leukemia, IBS, eye site deterioration, among more, pluss pharmacy of meds that she is on, and I have a full time job. With the alzheimers getting worse it was unsafe for her to be left alone during the day and couldn't afford a full time nurse or adult daycare so the alternative is the 'Care Ctr/Nursing home. I was told by a non-family member that my siblings all think I'm exagerating Mom's condition even though they have all seen the doc. notes. The only help that I can count on is one of my daughters whom has been a blessing to me. I refuse now to call and update my siblings about Mom's condition and have created a caringbridge site for her that they can read. If they call me for updates I am happy and cordially tell them but alway get the same feeling that they doubt me. So including/tryint to involve family doesn't always work. Mom's siblings are more understanding and concerned that her own children. I have grown tired of trying to include them in Mom's care and getting them to visit her or show some compasion for her. Mom was a wonderful mother to us so they have no reason to be so cold hearted. I on the other hand feel very fortunate to be so close to Mom and share in her end of life experiences in trying to make them easier and happy.