The following steps can help you recognize and avoid some of these common land mines, so you can keep the focus where it belongs -- on your family member's care.
- Hold regular family meetings. As soon as the person begins to have health problems, initiate regular family meetings with your siblings and other family members who will be involved in her care. The goal is to share information and make decisions as a group; the meetings can also be a source of support and provide a forum for resolving disagreements.
If all or some of you live in different parts of the country, the meetings can be held by conference call. There are now many free conference call services available (you can search online with the term free conference calls). Set a regular time for the family meetings that's convenient for everyone involved -- it could be once a month, or whatever suits your family -- and if you can, do so before a crisis occurs, so this tool will be in place when you really need it. If possible, reserve a little time at the end of the meeting or conference call to chat and catch up.
- Divide the labor. Rather than insist that all of the care-giving tasks be divided equally, consider a division of labor that takes into account each family member's interests and skills, as well as their availability. Your sister may find it difficult to get away during the day to take your family member to his doctor's appointments, but perhaps she can handle his finances or take the lead in finding an appropriate long-term care situation. A far-flung sibling won't be able to help with day-to-day care but may be able to come for a visit every few months to give you a break. A fair division of labor can mitigate resentment and make caregiving more efficient. The family meeting is an excellent venue for setting up a caregiving schedule and dividing up tasks.
I agree with Galowa. I too have been taking care of my mother for 9 mos who is 91 yrs old. The problem is my mother fell and broke her hip and she uses a walker. She loves acting like something is wrong with her all the time. My mother is in excellent health, but she acts helpless. I refuse to be her nursemaid and I've told her that. I fix her meals, I change her linens and I get her shower ready. I insist she take care of herself as far as bathing, making her bed and doing what little laundry she has to do. She can't hear very well even with a hearing aid and I'm constantlly screaming to let her hear me. I am sooooo tired of taking care of her. I know that if this situation was reversed, my mother would tell me she's not able to help me. I've had major surgeries and she told me she wouldn't help me. So, why am I being stuck with taking care of he? I resent her more and more everyday just being in my home, and I am not sure how I can handle this much longer. My only recourse is to put her in a nursing home. I do not get any help from my sister and she has informed me to put her in a nursing home as she is not able to take her in. Does anyone have any idea how I can handle this without loosing it myself? Oh yeah, does anyone have any suggestions what to say to my mother when I do put her in a nursing home? Help!!
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Hugs GALOWA
OOPS, my statement from a minute ago today should have said "in my PREVIOUS STATEMENT" rather than "in my statement above."
By the way, in my statement above, I forgot to mention that even though i WAS 3,000 miles away from my parents, at my father's death i stayed with my mother in her own home for FOUR MONTHS, while my own children and husband were 3000 miles away, and have since had my mother living in MY HOUSE for over FOUR YEARS. I still manage her house 3000 miles away, and have ALSO inherited oversight of my mentally ill younger sister (50 yeas old) and the house my parents provide for her (which is 3,400 miles away...) I certainly would HATE to give the impression that my mother is sitting in a facility whist I coordinate her care from a distance...
The author of this article really IS out-to-lunch. The scenario depicted here is more like a fairy-tale than real life. Almost NOBODY has the time, energy or mutually cooperative sibling relationships necessary to even attempt this, let alone succeed at it. The "ideal" you describe is not only unattainable, it's unthinkable for most families. Aside from the sibling conflict aspect, or the unfair division of labor, you pay only lip service to the role/ wishes of the aging parents, and COMPLETELY ignore the issue of what might be described as the actual "RIGHT thing to do." By the way, I am THE ONLY caretaker, and just HAPPEN to 1) live the FURTHEST away, 2) have the GREATEST number of other obligations, and 3) not only was I NOT the closest to my parents, i was, in fact, their unanimously LEAST FAVORITE child of three. Despite all this, I'm the one,the one and ONLY, who is DOING IT ALL.
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Hugs ammy
Thank you for know mor about family conflicts.
I have been caregiving for my mom who is elderly and has cancer for six months. She is derpressed and angry about her disease and her loss of independence. My sister, who lives 100 miles away and who only comes every now and then for a few hours on a Saturday, had to be confronted by a family friend to discuss with mom, having me put on as power of attorney with my out of town sister. I am handling everything, taking mom to dr. app'ts, talking to dr.s, hospitals,arranign for home care thru an agency (which we had to fire after several problems. My sister acts more like a distant acquaintance, and really doesn't see that mom's problems have much to do with her or her daughter, who has never even called her grandmother to say hello....the daughter (32) has come down ince to visit, and spent most of the visit watching Veggietales with her toddlers, and my sister, in another room leaving mom alone in the living room. ( I had taken the little ones in another room to watch the videos so that my niece and my sister could spenmd soem time with my mom. ) Mom is terminally ill. Its breaking my heart in every way - BUt I wouldn't have missed this tiem with my mom for anything. I love her deeply and she knows it and vice versa.There is no way I could put her ina nursing home.She is terrified of them. I am so tired I can hardly get up some days, but I know mom is even tireder and afraid of what comes next. I wouldn't want to go thru this without soemone who loves me if I were her, and I know if the situation were reversed she would be with me every step of the way. So I will be, too. thanks E.A.