3. Family cooperation

If the person with Alzheimer's is a member of your family, your immediate family is likely to be your primary source of support and relief. Siblings often trade off care duty and share financial burdens.

But there are tremendous emotional benefits to a united family, too. Decision making is much easier when families are in general agreement. You'll also be less likely to feel guilty or isolated, second-guess yourself, or waste mental energy feeling resentful or unappreciated if you can all work toward consensus (or at least mutual respect).

Having the support of your partner and children, if you have them, similarly removes a huge source of stress.

Work to keep everyone on the same page regarding the person's condition and the important decisions that must be made. When there's friction, consider bringing in a third party -- such as a respected relative or a neutral geriatric care manager -- to mediate.

Be aware from the get-go that Alzheimer's caregiving can become a source of marital conflict if your partner feels that you're neglecting him or your "other" family. Take care not to discount criticisms in this vein. And do what you can to keep your other relationships strong. You may need to bring in outside care to achieve this goal, and you shouldn't feel guilty if you do. Your relationships with your partner, family, and close friends will likely outlive the person with Alzheimer's if tended well.

4. Community resources

Alzheimer's-related services offer practical and emotional support that can transform a difficult time into one with pleasant moments, too. What's more, learning about respite care, caregiver training, and assistive devices to make physical care easier has been found to ease stress and delay the need to place a loved one in a nursing home, according to a 1997 Urban Institute report.

You'll particularly need outside support if you're coping with wandering, sundowning, or disturbed sleep.

You may be surprised by the variety of people, programs, and devices available to make your life easier, many of them at little expense. Start by conferring with the doctor of the person you're caring for and branch out to specialists, geriatric care consultants, therapists, and community programs such as respite care. Alzheimer's disease associations and support groups are often free and a great way to receive emotional support as well as to learn caregiving tips and ideas.

5. Realistic expectations

Not having a clear picture of your situation or the prognosis sets you up for rude awakenings or a lot of unnecessary struggle. Once you know what to expect, you can adjust your expectations accordingly. This process also makes it easier to accept his fate.

Learn as much as you can about Alzheimer's and stay abreast of what to expect at different stages of the disease. Talk to others who've lived through the caregiving experience on message boards or in support groups. You'll be better able to deal with what you're going through and gain a peek at what could lie ahead.

You'll learn from experience to be realistic about expectations for the person with Alzheimer's. Keep outings with friends relatively brief and uncomplicated. Figure out what kinds of food, activities, music, and other daily routines work -- and stick to them.

Be realistic, too, about your expectations for family members. Distant siblings may simply not be able to devote the same time to caregiving as those nearby, for example. Children may be disturbed or frightened by the changes in a grandparent and shouldn't be expected to understand the disease and pursue the same kind of relationship as before.

6. A game plan

Alzheimer's disease is progressive, which means that while the person with Alzheimer's may stabilize for a long stretch of time, he'll never recover lost abilities. He'll only gradually worsen over time.

It's one thing to understand the progression of the disease but a different matter to put a corresponding action plan in place. Having a plan makes the emotional transition easier and helps everyone understand the needs involved, financial and otherwise.

You may not be able to address every possibility, but you can start by researching what's likely to happen when -- and your corresponding options. Start by dividing your planning into stages:

• What needs to happen at this stage in terms of care?

• Who will provide care?

• Where will he live?

For example, soon after diagnosis you'll need to arrange access to medical, legal, and financial records, as well as the transfer of decision-making authority to you, another family member, or a close friend. By the end stage, someone with Alzheimer's needs round-the-clock care, and you can start to figure out where that would take place and by whom.

Start conversing with family members about these things now, even if they're difficult. Get the input of the doctor, a geriatric care manager, and other professionals involved in her case. In the long run, you'll be glad you did.